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STRESSED – an original poem by Betsy Quillen

The other day I was quite surprised
To wake up to a new houseguest.
It’s not the kind you look forward to, though -
It’s the kind whose name is Stress.

She follows me to play rehearsal,
And bothers me at work.
She smothers me when I try to sleep,
And she does it with a smirk.

She magically causes headaches
Where before there were none.
She makes me want to cry and scream;
This isn’t any fun.

She has overstayed her welcome,
But I gave her my decree:
In two weeks she MUST BE GONE
Because she’s not allowed in Hawaii!

I think it is time to get real about PTSD. 

I’ll admit that I have it, and I’ll admit that I’ve spent the last 6 1/2 years pretending that I don’t.  And I think there are a lot of people who do the same thing.

My PTSD is most evident at night, and it most affects my sleeping.  There are a few adjustments I make in general – for example I always have some sort of lights playing on my computer screen overnight (often attached to music or a movie playing) so that it is never 100% dark or silent.  There are certain types of movies I won’t watch and books I won’t read at all, some I won’t watch/read at night, and some that I won’t watch/read when I’m alone.

I also sleep with a stuffed animal.

There, I said it.  By “sleep with” I mean that it is directly in my arms all night long, even if I toss and turn.  I slept with a stuffed animal when I was younger, as many children do, but when I got PTSD at age 19, it became a non-negotiable.  It is a comfort thing, a security thing, something I can’t fully explain.  When nightmares or terrors hit during the night, it calms me down.  And if I don’t have a stuffed animal with me, I panic and have a harder time falling asleep and staying asleep. 

I even brought one on our honeymoon.  And my husband was (and still is!) okay with it.  My nightmares have greatly lessened since I got married and have him there with me all night, but they haven’t left completely by any means.  He cuddles me, I cuddle the bear, and we’re all happy.

But it often draws funny looks or embarrassing comments (like at work conferences, or family vacations – any time I might be sharing a room with someone who doesn’t know or understand).  This blog post might right now be causing comments and looks from the other side of the computer screen.  I’ve been convinced that I must be the only married adult who sleeps with a stuffed animal, and I’ve been ashamed of it.  But I wasn’t going to stop.

But then the other day, I was reading through a book of children’s poems (Shout! Little Poems that Roar) and came across this poem by Brod Bagert:

Turn all those “he”s into “she”s and change the last stanza to something like:

Just one more thing, now please stay calm,
I wrote this poem about my Mom

and you have something my child might one day say about me.  And this was in a published book of poems – with a picture of a (let’s assume) married couple!  That made me wonder – is it more common that I thought?

So I did a little bit of research.  Turns out that 79.9% of adults with PTSD will admit to sleeping with a stuffed toy for comfort.  Studies are also being conducted about memories during sleep.  If someone has witnessed or experienced a traumatic event, sleep will exacerbate those negative memores – thus why many people who suffer from PTSD experience sleep problems.  But sleep will also increase the recall of pleasant memories associated with a stuffed toy or animal.  Therefore, by sleeping with a stuffed animal, it is possible that the positive memories associated with it will balance out the negative memories that come from trauma.  Science hasn’t proven anything yet, but it sounds good to me.

PTSD is tricky.  We can’t spot others who have it when we’re walking down the street.  We all have different triggers and different reactions.  PTSD has a reputation for being something taboo, something we don’t talk about, something that isolates and embarrasses – but it doesn’t have to be.  The more open we are about it, the less power it has.  Because of that poem, I found out that there are other adults like me who sleep with stuffed animals.  It helped me be open about it and now that fear and embarrassment doesn’t have a hold on me anymore.  Maybe this post will be for someone else what that poem was for me.  Because, let’s face it, there are a lot of us that struggle with how to cope with PTSD, and at least 80% of us have a teddy bear or two to make it a little easier. 

And that’s okay.

Yes, we may be still in the midst of Winter’s icy clutches. And yes, we may have gotten 10 inches of snow the other day. And yes, it may have even been snowing this morning. But I brought a little bit of summer sunshine into our house with what I’m calling my Strawberry Lemonade Cake. 

It is two layers of a basic lemon cake, a Cool Whip based icing (the inside layer is just plain Cool Whip, as was the crumb coating layer, but I wanted a bit more substance for the outer icing), and fresh strawberries around the outside.

  It is super yummy. Let’s skip winter AND spring and go straight to summer, shall we?

I am so excited for 2013.  I truly am.  Probably more so than any other year.  God truly blessed me in 2012 – I celebrated my first anniversary with the most wonderful husband I could ask for, I’ve gained experience in jobs I love, and I’ve gotten to a healthy weight and lifestyle.  There are a whole lot of unknowns for 2013 (where will we move? where will we work? will we start a family?) but I am committed to surrendering my need for control over those things to God, and I’m just excited to see what the year brings.

Last year we had a reading alliteration that I called the Year of Dickens:

Donna, Daughter, and Dad are Dedicated to Delving into the Delightful, Dreary, and Dark Documents from the Desk of Dickens, BUT, Destined to be Dragged by Dickens’ Demanding Dictation, we are Free to Filter with Fiction, Fantasy, Facts, or Further Features that Find our Fancy.

I finished 21 of Dickens’ works, plus two biographies and a couple books with summaries of various Dickens novels.  There are still A LOT of his works left to be read, so I might try to intersperse some of them into my new alliteration for this year, which is:

Little by little, lessening long literary lists lately left lost and lonely. 

Over the years, I have compiled many, many lists of books that I want to read, or books that I should read, or books that have been recommended to me.  These lists are in journals, on scraps of paper, on my computer, at work, etc.  I’ve decided that this is the year to tackle those lists.

On December 31st I finished my 9 weeks of the Insanity workout program!  I took my “after” pictures and submitted my application for the free limited edition T-shirt available to those who make it through the entire program.  So hopefully I’ll be getting a package in the mail sometime in the next 6-8 weeks!  In the meantime I get to do new workouts – including riding my bike in my living room!  Andrew and his parents got me this amazing bike stand so that I can ride my bike indoors in the off season.  I’ll be able to still train for triathlons through the winter and even practice with clipped in shoes before adding the stress of balancing on the streets.  Here it is all set up!

I will also be continuing my Professor Horner’s Bible Reading plan (which I explained in detail in THIS POST)- I’m still loving it and it still works well for me.  But this year I was given the idea to pair a One Line A Day, 5 Year Journal with my Bible reading.  Each day I will pick out one verse that resonates with me in a special way and write that on the one line for the day.  Then (if I keep it up!) over the next 5 years I will be able to see all the different things God was speaking to me about on each day of the year, all in one place!  Here is that journal:

Andrew and I had a fun time saying goodbye to 2012.  We had our family pictures taken in the afternoon, and then went bowling.

Happy New Year’s from our family to yours!

It has been over a year since my last haircut.  I tend to do that – I grow my hair out, not even going in for a trim, until I’m tired of the length and weight and then I go and get it chopped off.  I wasn’t quite at that point yet, but after losing 45 pounds and basically changing my entire clothing style, I felt I needed a new hairstyle too.  A short one.  So, today was the day!  I tried a new salon that got really good reviews online and that my husband knows some people from through work.  It was a leap of faith considering we have my SIL’s wedding next week and there will be lots of pictures!

Here is my hair when we went in:

These are some of the pictures I brought in to show her.  I brought in a LOT of pictures, because really I had no idea what I wanted.  But these are the three we ultimately based our final decision on.
   

And here is what I walked out with!

The picture doesn’t do it justice.  It is very cute in person and really versatile.  I can still do a lot of different styles with it.  I love the new style and am excited to show it off!

Today is a big day.  A BIG, BIG day.  On this day last year (November 18th, 2011) I stepped on a scale for the first time in a LONG time, and saw a number that completely shocked me.  I knew I had gained weight over the years, but I never thought it had been THAT much.  I decided right then and there that the number I was at that moment was the highest I would ever be, and that I would never be that weight again.  Thanksgiving and Christmas were right around the corner with all their delicious calories, so I decided that through the holidays I would just begin to be more careful about what I ate and then after we returned from our Christmas vacation in Virginia I would buckle down on eating better and exercising more.  I looked at the number on the scale again and thought about the healthy weight range my doctor recommended.  I was quite a bit outside of that – on the wrong side.  I had about 45 pounds to lose to get back to where my doctor wanted me.     

And today, my friends, I lost the 45th pound!

As most of you know, at the beginning of this journey I started a charm bracelet.  After I lost the first 5 pounds, I got the bracelet.

Then for every 5 pounds lost after that, I got to add a charm.  I’ve taken multiple pictures of the bracelet along the way. 
              

And here it is today!

(If you’re counting, there is more than 8 beads – I added some extras for completing the triathlon, and periodically through an intense workout regimen to maintain motivation)
I still have a few more beads coming for being able to maintain this weight for the next few months. 

If I had been smart, I would have also taken a picture of ME at each added bead.  But I didn’t think about that until just now.

And now, the infamous BEFORE and AFTER photos!

BEFORE…

AFTER…

I’m down a full 45 pounds as of today and I’ve dropped 4-5 pants/dress sizes!  I would be thrilled to tell you how many inches I’ve lost – just like all those weight-loss commercials – but I forgot to take my measurements at the beginning of this whole thing.  Oops.

Many people have asked me, “How did you do it? What diet plan did you use?”

I didn’t use a diet plan really.  It was mostly a mixture of eating better, exercising more, and staying committed to my goal.  IT WAS NOT EASY.  It has probably been the hardest thing I’ve ever asked myself to do.  And I didn’t always stick to it – I would over-indulge or slack off at the gym.  My weight would spike, I would have to take the bracelet off, and then buckle down again.

I also had gallbladder disease and surgery in the middle of it all.  For a month, anything I ate made me horribly sick.  For 2-3 weeks after that, I was allowed NO fat in my diet.  It’s amazing what such things will do for your waistline, but I would not recommend it AT ALL.

I also completed a triathlon, which was another goal I set for myself in the midst of this process.  It gave me a focus for my workouts which helped me maintain my motivation at the gym.  Swimming, biking, and running all at once sure helps you get in shape!  I’m also planning on doing more triathlons next summer, so I’m committed to maintain my training over these winter months and I hope that will help me maintain this new weight.

I have learned so much through this process.  A couple years ago my mom and I joined some friends to do the Thin Within program.  I didn’t make it very far with that, but it did really help me start thinking differently about food.  In 1 Corinthians 10 Paul talks about everything being permissible, but not all things being beneficial.  He later talks about how in whatever you do, whether eating or drinking or something else, do it all to the glory of God.  Forgive me for completely paraphrasing there, and for possibly taking these out of context, but that kind of mindset started revolutionizing the way I ate and thought about food.  I’ve learned about moderation.  I’ve learned that just because I CAN buy certain foods does not mean I SHOULD or WILL purchase them.  I’ve become very careful about the food I let enter my pantry so that I won’t be tempted, just like I’m careful about what movies I watch or books I read.  I’ve learned that just because I WANT something (even if it is a good food!) does not mean that I have to have it, or that just because someone else is eating it means I need to too.

I’ve learned to (for the most part…) only eat when I’m hungry, and to stop when I’m satisfied.  I’ve learned to like drinking water (!!!) and to save other drinks for special treats.  I’ve learned to plan ahead and budget my meals/calories the same way I budget our money.  And I’ve learned that by eating right and exercising more, I truly do feel better overall.  I’ve learned to eat slowly and savor and be thankful instead of rushing, going for seconds, and wishing for something else or something more.  I’ve learned that desserts have their place, and that *sometimes* that place is staying in the container and not on my plate…

I have not been this size or weight since before trauma started entering my life when I was 16.  I honestly cannot remember that last time I had to shop for this particular size in stores.  I used food as a way to cope and now I’ve learned to keep food in its proper place.  I understand more about glorifying God with the food I choose to eat and the way I treat my body.  I feel better than I have in years (and I look better too!)

I couldn’t have done this without the incredible support of my husband – who has dealt with all my tears, frustrations, crankiness when he got to eat something that I knew I shouldn’t, long hours at the gym, and everything else.  He has been the one to give me every weight loss bead on the bracelet, because he wanted to be a part of the process.  He has kept me on track – gently reminding me of my goals when I wanted to skip the workout or choose an unhealthy option.  He was there for me every step of the way, and I’m very grateful.  I love you babe!

It’s an exciting day for me.  Now I get to go celebrate – with a shopping spree! And maybe a homemade pumpkin spice cookie or two on the way

Last week was my birthday! It was so nice because both I and Andrew had the day off, so we got to spend it together, which was probably the best present of all. We went shopping, watched a movie, had dinner out with a friend, and then went bowling! But, of course, I didn’t get pictures of any of it. All I got was the cookie cake! I’m still looking for a good cookie cake place around here – haven’t found one yet. This place was very friendly and made a good cookie, but they couldn’t do decorating very well. I actually ended up taking off their icing and fixing it myself . I’m a bit picky about my cookie cakes!

Next week is the birthday of a little boy I see every week who was born deaf. I’m teaching his parents how to sign and to read books to him in sign language. Andrew and I got invited to his birthday party and as a gift I made him this Quiet Book. I purchased the pattern from a quilting site online, and when I got it it wasn’t quite what I expected. But I still think it turned out pretty cute and I’m very proud of it.

I traced the patterns onto fusible webbing, and then cut them out, ironed them onto the fabric, and then cut them out again. Like this,

Here are some examples of the pages, after cutting out everything from the webbing but before fusing them to more felt and making thicker pieces.

Then I tore off the paper back, ironed the pieces onto felt and cut them out again. Finally, I sewed all the pieces/parts together on each page, then sewed the pages together to make book pages, and connected the book pages with circular book clips. Here is each page.

Page two has little bees and dragonflies. It helps with imaginative play and counting. All the pieces can be stored inside the beehive (the door opens)

Page 3 is a Hen with 3 baby chickens and 3 eggs. Also for imaginitive play and counting – and everything gets stored in the wing, which is a pocket.

Page 4 is Tic Tac Toe! This is too advanced right now for the little boy, but he can grow into it. All the pieces are stored in the pocket on the side.

Page 5 is Build A Snowman! The snowman is attached to the base, and the buttons are attached to the snowman. The eyes, mouth, and cheeks are drawn on. Everything else is its own felt piece and can be put on the snowman in various ways. The pocket for all the pieces is on the side.

Page 6 = A bird house! 4 little birds to play with, and they can all be stored inside the house.

Page 7 = Counting sheep! The sun and sheep are all able to be placed around the picture, and stored in the pocket at the top.

Page 8 is a ladybug.  The spots are all moveable – this helps with counting and beginning addition/subtraction.

Page 9 is a tool page!  I love this one possibly the most.  Each piece can be taken out of the took box and played with.  There is a screwdriver, pliers, a hammer, a saw, and a ruler.

Pages 10 and 11 are little carts behind a tractor.  There is a duck, a rabbit, and a pig that can be taken out, played with, and then put back in any of the carts.

The final page has a sign to show that I made it, and when.  I hope it will be a good memory for him!  He has a lot of doctors appointments coming up and such as his parents are planning to get him a cochlear implant.  I’m hoping this will be a good little book/toy to take along to those appointments as he gets older, as well as any other outings that need a little quiet entertainment.  I also love that it works so much on imaginative play – so many toys today limit the imagination.  And there are many, many signs and skills that can be worked on in this book – his parents won’t get stuck on just the words of a book, but will have to come up with signs and interactions on their own.

So that’s the gift!  Mom, what do you think?

In other news – I bought/made a little Thanksgiving decoration for our door!  I love it!

I bought the sign thing at Hobby Lobby, which was blank, then I wrote/drew the words on my own.  I think it is so cute!

I’ve been working for the High Plains Library District for about a year and a half now, and during my time there I have made some big steps in the field of Storytimes.  I was hired for storytimes specifically, due to my child development education, experience working with children, and my theatre background, but a few of my coworkers were really interested in the idea of incorporating Sign Language into our baby and toddler storytimes.  Together we have done research and developed curriculum techniques for adding sign language into already developed programs.  Our parents have really responded well and we’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback. 

Every year in October is the Colorado Association of Libraries annual conference, and months and months ago when they were taking submissions, my coworkers greatly encouraged me to step forward and submit a proposal on this topic.  My boss was encouraging, and with my coworkers help we managed to pull together a proposal and send it off.  During the summer we heard back that we had been accepted as one of the Pre-Conference sessions!  Then came many months of pulling all the final details together.  I was incredibly nervous as I’ve never presented at a conference like this.  I’m young in the field (and in general!) and this is sort of a controversial topic right now, but our session went GREAT and the conference overall was a lot of fun.  Here are some pictures – mostly for my mom who wanted to know everything that happened!

All my stuff, ready to go!

      
I stayed at the Keystone Lodge which was VERY nice.  My room was nice and spacious, and very relaxing, which was nice the night before the presentation when I was so nervous!  They also follow the Doubletree thing with cookies – one chocolate chip and one white chocolate chip cranberry.  We think.

      
The scenery was beautiful.  The snow was on the mountains, and the sunrises were breathtaking.

     
Every day I walked back and forth from the hotel to the conference center through this very cool underground tunnel.

 
Here I am, all ready to present on Thursday morning!

   
Our set up for our presentation. Pictured here is my coworker, Shirley, who presented with me.  She was such an asset on the research side of things.

It’s all over!  And it went great! We got a lot of positive feedback.

After a little bit of a struggle, CAL was able to provide me with a captioning service for the conference.  Due to my hearing loss and the nature of having sessions all day long, I was not going to be able to lipread everything.  I have not had great experiences with captioning services in the past, but this time it went very well.  I had two different ladies (one on Thursday and Friday, another on Saturday).  Most of it was done on a laptop, but for one day I was able to use an iPad, so I could sit wherever I wanted and still have access to everything going on! Here are some pictures that hopefully show you a bit about how it worked.

These next pictures were more for me than anyone else, but these are some of the sessions that I attended while there.

                   (That is supposed to say Book Clubs in the 21st Century)
   (Jack Gantos was a FANTASTIC speaker.  I now want to read all of his books)

This morning was the annual Race for the Cure in Denver!  Andrew’s mom is a 20 year survivor of breast cancer and every year the family tries to go to this event.  Last year was my first year joining the family, but it helped me see how important it is, and since Andrew and I are the only kids left around town right now, we made it a priority to be there with Andrew’s parents this year.  It was such a great morning!  I was so worried that it would be *freezing cold* but it actually was a beautiful, clear day, and warmed up considerably once the sun was out.

Here we all are on the train ride in, bundled up to stay warm!

Andrew and I, just as the sun was coming up.

 
This year’s shirt and race badge.

Arriving at the Pepsi Center!

Village Inn provides a delicious pancake and sausage breakfast each year.  Super yummy.

 
Getting started!

My cute in-laws walking ahead of us.

Andrew and me

 
This is one of the coolest parts of the race.  Everyone walks down the offramp and it twists around, making a life size ribbon that can be seen from the air.  It’s my favorite thing to be a part of.

 
Andrew and I on the last leg of the race!

 
All of us at the finish line!

Each breast cancer survivor can have a free photo button made (everyone else can have one too, but they have to pay for it) and it’s always the first thing we do.  There may have only been 4 of us this year, but we took a pretty darn good picture!

And then finally, a super cute picture to end.  Andrew and I on the train ride home.  We were VERY tired, but also very happy.  We are so very thankful to have been able to go again this year, and especially thankful that we still have Andrew’s mom here to be able to walk with us.