This weekend marks the fifth year anniversary of something horrible that marked my life in indescribable ways.
But I believe in the soveriegnty of God and that all things happen for a reason.
I also know I wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today without what happened to me that night. And I’m pretty happy with how things are. So I’m okay with it.
But, like every other person who survives a traumatic experience, I get a bit distracted during this time of the year. I take time away every year at this time to go away on my own, to think, to reflect, to hang out with God, and to just refresh. I take time away from people, from other memories, and from every day life and go somewhere surrounded by untouched nature, someplace beautiful and quiet.
This year is no different, except this year my husband will be there with me.
But I know that my mother sometimes struggles with this decision of mine to go away by myself every year. So I wanted to write a quick post of something I wrote in my journal last year on my weekend away. (I write in third person for things like this. It makes me be a bit more open, when I can put my feelings and situations on a third party – I feel less like I’m writing about myself) Maybe it will give a small glimpse into why these few days away every year are so important to me, and how much I really do get out of them.
~
Betsy fixed a quick lunch and picked up her book to read while she ate. Although she had only begun it the day before, she was already fascinated by this book. A new realm of philosophy opened up through the engaging fictional storyline and she had been hooked by day one, jotting down notes in the margins, underlining sentences, and starring interesting passages. A phrase had caught her yesterday, one so simple yet profound, one that Betsy wanted to define her weekend.
“…to rest, to think, to be alone and alive.” Betsy loved the togetherness of ‘alone and alive’, as if they were united. Perhaps it is when we are alone that we truly become alive, not conforming to anyone else, but just existing as ourselves in our truest form. Perhaps we cannot really be alive until we’ve spent some time alone.
Betsy thought about that and decided that was what she wanted to get out of this weekend. To be alone and alive. It wasn’t about independence or loneliness; it was about remembering how to be alive. And to do that, she HAD to be alone. And she was going to have to face some of her fears along the way.
Betsy quickly cleaned up her lunch things and packed a backpack of supplies. She was going on a hike before she lost her nerve. She had looked through the trail guide when she had arrived at the cabin and noticed one that looped around the large beautiful lake. It was said to be fairly easy although it was about 6 miles long, and one significant portion of the trail deviated from the lake and wound its way through the woods.
Betsy was scared of woods, and she was terrified of being alone in the woods. She had planned to just do the other half of the trail, and then simply turn around and come back the same way. But to be alone in the woods was to be alive, and that was what this weekend was about.
~
The woods were beautiful. Had woods always been this pretty? Every step was unique, the leaves, sticks, trees, and dirt making new patterns and scenes unfold before her. Betsy almost wished she had been here a few hours earlier when the rain was the strongest, to have seen all these leaves forced off their branches, a torrent of red, brown, and gold. She imagined them swirling all around her; it must have been beautifully tragic.
The trail was a 6 mile loop around the lake, although one entire side of it wound its way through the woods before finally coming out to a path that stuck close to the water’s edge. Betsy had opted to do the woodsy part first, to get it over with. Plus the trail picked up near her cabin, so she could do the hard part, then the nice part, and be finished right by her cabin. Armed with phone, camera, water, and her map she set out on what she assumed would be a 2 hour trek.
To keep herself from getting scared, Betsy tried to focus on her environment, observing and enjoying the little things. Parts of the trail with an especially thick canopy of trees were still very damp from the earlier storm. Betsy liked these sections because they were cooler, smelled sweeter, and the ground was softer under her feet. But they were darker, which lent an air of creepiness. The brighter sections, with shafts of sunlight and beautiful views of the lake and the paddleboats and canoes, were dry and brown with a hard, packed trail. The balance was nice, though, and she found herself stopping often to take pictures of something especially breathtaking. Before she knew it, she had broken free of the woods and had another 2.5 miles of open trail along the water and the beach before turning back to the cabin areas. She had conquered her fear, and she had done it alone. She really did feel alive.